Quiet Time

My favorite quiet place...Maui at sunset...oh, Maui.

I've been quiet again. 

It's hard to even know where to start.  I don't want to go so long between posts but lately writing has felt like one more thing I need to work harder at.  If I sit long enough and think about what I need to work harder at I begin to feel a giant burden press hard against my chest.   The list begins to roll...

Be more patient with my children.
Get a handle on the laundry.
Show my husband I love him rather than just tell him in passing all the time.
Pray more.
Listen more.
Be a better friend.
Call people back.
Return texts and emails.
Get a handle on the laundry.


The list goes on.


The truth is that I've always struggled with believing the lie that if I get it all together then I will have peace.  If I just work hard enough I will then be worthy.  If I can appear to have it all together then people will admire me.

Really...those are some of the biggest and fattest lies.  And, I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who has ever believed them.

In a quiet moment, probably in the big blue chair, I heard the Spirit say, "Be still.  Know that I am God."

Hard command to follow...at least for me.

You see, for the 81 days leading up to May 28th I was in some intense "talks" with God.

Let's just say, I prayed like I never had before.  It was hard.  It was so good.  It was raw.   It was so real.

During that time I couldn't write.  God was doing great things inside of me and inside of those I was praying for and there were no words. But I felt it.  I felt it as I went through those days.  As I fed my children, as I sang them to sleep, as I took walks with them in the big red stroller, I felt it.  But I couldn't express it. 


It felt like hard work but the kind that I was determined to do.  I've never farmed nor do I anticipate it being part of my future, (could you imagine?!) but just like a farmer sweats as he gets the ground ready and lays down the seed,  I sweat.


It was such hard work.  At times I felt that I had done it really well and then there were times where disappointment crept in or just plain slapped me in the face and I wavered...oh, how I got wavy!  For a specific two weeks after a specific prayer was answered the exact opposite way I had hoped for I almost shut down.  What was all this praying for?


As the 28th came and went I had expectations.  I don't know exactly what I was expecting...maybe an earthquake or walls physically falling down.  But that night as I rocked the Little Man in the Big Blue Chair the Spirit ministered to me.  That's the only was I can even describe it.  I know, it sounds strange but...such is life, right? 


After that night there was no earthquake...no crumbling walls.  It was quiet.  Too quiet for my liking.


I didn't know what to do.  So I did...anything...everything.  I thought If I kept "doing" then something might happen, as if I could create or fabricate the answers myself...as if, I were God. 


Then those words..."Be still."


It was as if God was saying, "I heard you.  I know.  I got this.  Watch what I am going to do now.  Just, be still and, let me.  I AM." 


That's exactly what He was saying to me.


It's hard though. 


It means that I have to trust Him.  It means that I have to rely on Him.  It means that I have to remember that the only road to peace right now is through a constant dependence on Him...not on the fact I did or did not get a handle on the laundry.


Dirty socks, dirty dishes, dirty babies, dirty mommy (you mommies totally know that there are weeks where even a shower is a miraculous experience!)...it doesn't matter.  I can "try" to "perfect" my mommy trade until the cows come home but it won't matter.  The only way I can improve my skills is to stop trying so hard and start being quiet.


The answers are coming and if I'm busy I might just miss the beauty of watching the seeds I laid down produce the crop that can only come from the Father.


Maybe those words are for you today too.  So, let's be quiet and watch and see what our God can do.