My Grown Up Christmas List

This is the email I received from my hero, my dad. 

So many prayers have been answered in the last month.  My reaction?  Wanting more.

Instead of recognizing answers and God's outstretched arm and His right hand moving in the dark spots and hopeless places, I sulked in self-pity.  I steeped in loneliness, letting myself be infused with doubt.  My eyes were closed and my ears were deaf.

But as I read, for a second time, "Your prayers are being answered," I confessed in my heart and humbly thanked God for hearing my cry...giving an ear to little ol' me.   I let my heart soak up the joy that He was so longing to fill me with.

Then I stared at the next sentence.

My daddy is the greatest gift giver.  His gifts are thoughtful.  His gifts are sought out.  They are wrapped with pretty bows and love pours out of them as you unwrap them.  It's not because of what it is but because his heart, his love, is obvious in the contents.  

Me and my Daddy...dancing as my sweet sister serenaded us.

For a few days I've struggled with the gift receiving and gift giving questions.  I have battled it all...guilt for wanting things for myself...guilt for not knowing which charity to give to...guilt for being overwhelmed with all the stuff I need to do to point my family toward Christ this Christmas...guilt about whether to buy or not to buy...you get it, guilty.

So, today in a quiet moment, stolen from the to-do list, I sat down with my anxious heart and wrote this:

What do I want for Christmas?

• I want my family to fall more in love with Jesus, desperately seeking Him for all they need.

• I want my kids to learn that people are not perfect but are only made perfect through the gift of grace that comes through knowing Jesus as their Savior.

• I want people, myself included, to humble themselves and learn the power of servant leadership in the community, their homes, their jobs, the Church.

•  I want to hear God's voice, feel His promptings everyday and I want to want to be obedient.

• I want to be with people.  I want to eat and laugh and love people. 

• I want to see my three bestest friends in one place at the same time.

• I want my marriage to continue to grow and flourish.  I want to love my Fly better.

• When I buy presents for people this year, I want to buy them things that are meaningful.  I want them to know how they are loved.

• I want to teach my kids the true meaning of Christmas.  I want them to enjoy receiving gifts without guilt but as they grow I want them to understand the yearning they have for more will never be satisfied in this world.  Only He fills us.  Our souls long for Him, even when we don't realize it.

• And, completely selfishly, not in the least deserving, I want my Disneyland pass renewed.  I love that place. It makes me happy.

 I'm not sure these things can be packaged...but if there's one guy who is creative enough to try...it's my dad.

His gift-giving gifting points me to my Heavenly Father's Gift Giving...so creative that the spoken Word became flesh and dwelled among us.  He knew exactly what we needed.  He knew it when we couldn't articulate it.  His gift wrapped in the delicate, velvet skin of a newborn.  Oh, to smell the newborn head of God...to place your cheek to His and breathe in.  Life.  Abundant life. Zoe life. Wrapped in clothes.  Lying in a manger.

Yes, the greatest gift has already been given.

May the gifts we give be ones that point people to Him.

Zoie Cheek to Zoe Cheek.

A New Thing

A New Season.  Once the seed has been under ground, covered, broken open, rooted and established a crop springs forth.  Then it's time for the Harvest.

Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:18-19


I am a closet clutter queen.  Literally, I stuff my closets with my clutter and hope and pray that no one sees it.  I give myself the title queen because...well, I can, and because it makes it sound a little less emabarrassing and shameful.

Embarassing and shameful.  Those are words that can cut deep.  But truly, this is what I feel when I look at or think about my clutter problem.

But those doors that had been shut up and had hid my clutter were flung open wide, thankfully not for the world to see, but for my eyes specifically.

Let me back up.  On October 10th I began a Daniel Fast.  This is a type of fasting a person does for health or spiritual reasons.  It is based on the scriptures in Daniel chapter 1.  You eat anything that came from a seed that has not been processed and drink water only.  My purposes for the fast were spiritual.  As I started out I had an idea in my mind of what my prayers would be directed toward.  That quickly changed.  I thought other's hearts needed to change.  Little did I  know my heart would be the most affected.

On the first night of my fast I had a heated conversation.  The person with whom I was speaking made mention of looking in a mirror.  These words stung and branded my heart but I believe they were a Holy Catalyst.  I held on to them, at first out of hurt, bitterness and anger, but then out of a desperate desire to see what others see.

"Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.  But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard , but doing it--he will be blessed in what he does." James 1:23-25

I starred at myself.  I starred good and hard and long.  First I saw the lines.  The tiny wrinkles reflecting  the experiences and the years.  I saw the things I try so hard, every day, to cover up.  I looked into my own eyes, the window of my soul, and I saw something ugly.

Pride.

Typing it is hard enough.  Pushing the "Post" button will be an act of humility but that's exactly what I need.

Gently, but without relief, the Lord pressed.  Pushing me through the fire that would purify and refresh me.  And He brought me to His Word.  I began to read it with new eyes.   Eyes that desperately longed to know the freedom His perfect law gives.

He showed me things.  My pride was seeded in my need to be perfect, to follow all the rules and do my very best to be good enough.  For others it can be the opposite, seeded in rebellion, making your own rules.

Pride is dangerous.  It is a weed that chokes out all that is good.  It suffocates and closes off the receptors to what God is doing.  Pride says, "I have it under control."  It couples itself with idolatry and we become our own gods.  After all, if I can be good enough, what do I need God for? 
I have learned:  I am not good enough, nor, will I ever be. 

And it's okay.

I am not justified by my closets.  I am not justified by being the best...wife, mom, person...The only one who can make me right, the only one who can make this desperate rule follower free is the one who actually did follow all the rules for me...He fulfilled them by following them all the way to the cross. 

I am not justified by my baking skills...thank you, Jesus!!!

As hard as it's been, as the tears have flowed daily, I have slowly felt my heart transform.  The anecdote?  Humility.  Yes, it's obvious, but the daily practices are subtle and easy to miss.

I have confessed, to God and to others.  Confession is so important.  Telling someone, out loud, brings it's own freedom. 

I have prayed.  I am a pray-er.   This is how God meets me and I meet Him.  I sit before Him and I listen and a speak and I listen and I speak. 

I devoured His Word.  I really did.  Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.  This has become so real to me.  I am so thankful for the revelation.

I have served.  I heard a sermon from our pastor last weekend.  He spoke of Jesus washing the feet of the disciples.  Jesus saw a need.  He got down and did what needed to be done.  So often, I let things go for others to do.  I am now seeing things that need to be done and asking the Lord to give me a servant's heart and do them...nothing magnificent, things like the laundry and the dishes.  The things I did before seeking recognition, a merit of "good enough," now doing the things that need to be done with a heart of gratitude for what's been done for me.

I am not claiming perfection.  It would be counter-productive at this point.  But I feel a new thing happening in my heart. 

Today I am thankful for that new thing.  I am thankful that my God continues to pursue me even when I work for my righteousness or when I give in and rebel.  I am thankful He is not done with me.  I am thankful that He is always doing a new thing.

On a day set aside to remember what we are thankful for, I am thankful for all the hard things...all the pain and all the suffering that has revealed my need for a Savior. 

Thank you, God, for taking my mess and making it beautiful.  Not because of anything I have done but because of all that You have done.

Happy Thanksgiving.  
May you see the new thing He wants to do in you.
And with a heart of gratitude, let Him do it.

The Fly and his NEW guitar.  New music in our home.

Birthday celebrations. New Year for new things.  Little Man got a NEW hair do too...growing up too fast.

Let Us Pray

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to speak to a group of women about prayer and praying for their families.

I informed them from the beginning that I am in no way an expert...just a practitioner.

It has been an incredible journey as God has taught me the importance and power of prayer.  I was blessed to be able to share it today.

I promised a list of resources.  Here are the ones I mentioned and a few more:

Books

The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson

Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets

Praying the Scriptures for Your Children by Jodie Berndt

The Beginner's Guide to Fasting byElmer L. Towns


Websites

www.aholyexperience.com by Ann Voskamp author of One Thousand Gifts
Click on the Free Gifts for you Tab for some great resources

www.jeniferjerigan.com  One of the table leaders, a good friend of mine, found a great resource on praying scripture for your family on this site.  There are other tools as well.



Prayer Tools

For the Family by Sylvia Gunter


The resources above are wonderful.  They answer questions.  They inspire. They can help give direction.  However, there is nothing more powerful, in my opinion, than praying God's Words.  Here are some scriptures that I personally suggest to pray over your loved ones:

Psalm 91
Ephesians 6:10-18
Colossians 1:9-13
Ephesians 1:15-23



This not a comprehensive list of all the resources I've ever used.  These are the ones that stand out in this season.  I would LOVE to hear about what you are reading...even if it doesn't have to do with prayer!

If you have a resource or a book suggestion please leave it in the comment section!

I leave you with this today and pray these words for every reader,

Psalm 20

May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
    may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
² May he send you help from the sanctuary
    and grant you support from Zion.
³ May he remember all your sacrifices
    and accept your burnt offerings.
⁴ May he give you the desire of your heart
    and make all your plans succeed.
⁵ May we shout for joy over your victory
    and lift up our banners in the name of our God.

May the Lord grant all your requests.

⁶ Now this I know:
    The Lord gives victory to his anointed.
He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary
    with the victorious power of his right hand.
⁷ Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
    but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
⁸ They are brought to their knees and fall,
    but we rise up and stand firm.
⁹ Lord, give victory to the king!
    Answer us when we call!

I Remember

It is with a heavy heart that America greets today. 

We remember.  We will never forget. 

We have said those words for 11 years now.

I was in my college apartment sleeping under my Urban Outfitters bedspread.  My phone rang.  The Fly asked me if I had seen the news.  I didn't have class until 11...of course, I hadn't seen the news.  Groggy from late nights, papers, friends, work, fun, college-life, I laid my head back down.

I couldn't fall back asleep.  I didn't understand the depravity that had occurred.  I had hardly understood the words coming out of the phone.  I got up and walked into the other room to turn on the TV.

Then I saw...over and over as they replayed what had happened.

Shock and disbelief.  Then the fear.  Where was my dad?  Flying from coast to coast and home on the weekends, this was his life. 

Relief rushed through me as I heard his voice.  He had been at LAX when it happened.  He was coming home.

He was coming home.

2,996 others did not go home that day.

Today we remember them.  With flags and banners, names read aloud, memories and stories told of those who suffered the consequences of another's evil plot.

As a nation we wonder.  We cry.  We form strong opinions.  We argue.  We plan.  We protect.  We do whatever we can to cope with the reality that evil and wickedness are very real.

We ask questions.  We blame God.  We defend God.

We don't want to admit it but we are still afraid.  We fear what might happen.  What's next?

These things well up in us today.  And, as we remember the past, we remember that our future is ahead of us.  Our near future holds some critical moments that will determine the direction of our country in the next 4 years.  Today our remembering not only brings the emotions of the past but it also causes the emotions surrounding the next 56 days.

This week's rhetoric will be charged with emotion of the whys and why-nots and how-to's and how-not-to's of our decision making.

So what do we do?

 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

2 Chronicles 7:14


It's been impressed on my heart to pray the Psalms for both presidential candidates, the American people, and the election itself.

Today was the 11th day I've done this.  I opened my Bible to Psalm 11.  I read this:

Vs 6 and 7,

Upon the wicked He will rain coals;
Fire and brimstone and a burning wind
Shall be the portion of their cup.
For the Lord is righteous.
He loves righteousness;
His countenance beholds the upright.

Fire and Brimstone have a bad rap, rightfully so.  But as I read this today I felt a unity with my fellow Americans, those that think the same and those that think differently.

Wherever our opinions place us in the war of politics, today we can come together and remember.  Remember that our God does not look at what happened 11 years ago and sit passively by.  He too hates wickedness and evil. His plan is for redemption.

As you remember today, I humbly ask you, set down your opinions, set down your agendas and if you are the praying type,  humble yourself before God.  Ask him to direct your prayers.  And pray. 

Pray for those that are still with us today, hurting from those evil actions of others. 

Pray for your fellow Americans; pray they experience peace today. 

Pray for President Obama and Vice-President Joe Biden.  Ask  God to give them wisdom and direction. 

Pray for Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney and Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan.  Ask God to give them wisdom and direction. 


A final note...

As I was researching a few facts for this post I came upon this headline...

Mitt Romney, Barack Obama campaigns avoid negative politics on 9/11 anniversary


Proud to be an American. 

God Bless America.

  

In the Morning

"Oh what a beautiful morning.  Oh what a beautiful day.  I  have a beautiful feeling, everything's going my way." -- Oklahoma!

Nothing like a little musical theater throw-back and good sunrise picture to inspire your day.

Fly took this picture of the sunrise this morning.  It was breath-taking. 

  

In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice;
    in the morning I lay my requests before you
    and wait expectantly.

Psalm 5:3

 Why?  Why is it so hard sometimes to open this?  Why does the extra long to do list suddenly appear in my mind as I reach to pick up the life-giving words?  Why does my phone end up right in front of me and robotically I tap the screen to lead me to time-wasting and minute-filling?  The news feed entertains me and even encourages me at times but it does not feed my soul.

I see the Fly carry his up the stairs and my eyes fall back upon my own.   I put the phone down with all the self-control I can muster.  It really is emabarrassing, the hold that little piece of technology has on me.

I open up the book that will curb my hunger and sustain me for the day.

Psalm 5.  I've been reading one a day.  Sitting in it and soaking it in as the words effervesce, issue forth bubbles, of Life.

I come upon these rich words:

Verse 7, "But as for me, I will come into Your house in the multitude of Your mercy;"

They strike a deep chord.

I read the New King James version...not because I think it's the best but because it sounds the most like Shakespeare.  Laugh, roll your eyes, or try it yourself.

The words in verse 7 hang on.  I feel my heart clinging to them.

The truth is I NEED a multitude of mercy.  It is the only way I can survive.

I want to be a good person, a good wife, a good mom.  Good.  Good.  Good.  I try so hard to be good.  And everyday, EVERYDAY, I fail myself and those I love.  And, the worst part of it all is that I beat myself for it.  I hang my head low and walk in the guilt and the shame more often than I stand in the grace and the multitude of mercy.

I cry.  Okay, so I cry often.  But this morning I cry because I know better.  I know the grace.  I know the mercy that my God offers me.  I know it is worse to not receive it.  I know it is in vain that I ignore His gentle nudges.

Forgive me.  Forgive me for being swept away in my self.  I carry the burden of "not-good-enough" because I constantly try to do it all...all by myself.  

It's kind of like idolatry.  Ouch.  But it is.  If I put all my faith in myself then what do I need Him for?

For His multitude of mercy.  I will never be good enough.  And, I'm so thankful I don't have to be.





If you have time to read more today follow this link to more inspiration...

One Year

Today is my "Blog-i-versary." 

Well, technically July 29th was my first entry but it doesn't really count.  I was just trying to see what it would all look like and make sure it was pretty.

It was a year ago today that I wrote, "A Lesson from Amy..." and poured my sleep deprived thoughts out through the keypad on to the computer screen.

It was a few days before when I sat down with a dear friend in her backyard.  Her daughters took the Bug swimming while Little Man slept in his seat and we chatted under an umbrella by the pool.

She told me she had been praying for me and that I should start writing.  It was confirmation.  I had been praying, and in the quiet, was feeling a supernatural urge to do something I never thought I was very good at.  And since I never fancied myself, "a writer," I figured that perhaps this really was the Holy Spirit urging me forward to do something that certainly intimidated me.

A few nights later, with this chorus in my head, I began to spill out the brokenness, that was more than just exhaustion from a baby who didn't sleep.  I had been tired for many years before my babies came.  I just didn't understand why.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

I find it amusing that I had already titled my blog, A Beautiful Mess, and those words happen to be right there in the middle of that chorus.  Providence maybe.

So there I was, tired.  And, little did I know that it was only the beginning. 

Day by day, week by week and month by month I became a little more sleep deprived, a little more broken, and a little more moldable.  My desperation brought me to a place of dependence.  I had a choice to depend on Him or depend on me.  And frankly, depending on me would soon raise flags for CPS. 

Then one night in February the flood gates broke open...the good kind of flood gates.  I began to see a purpose, I began to sense the magnificent, unmistakeable power of the Holy Spirit and I began to pray.  I began to believe again that God hears my prayers and is faithful to answer them.

The nights became a rendezvous with my Little Man and my Comforter, my Healer, my Protector, my Strength, my Shield, my Refuge.  There I sat in the Big Blue Chair guarded by the shadow of His Wings.  I cried out...but now, not just for myself, but for those that burdened my heart and the day time brought glimpses of those cries being heard.

The year came full circle.  As Little Man's 1st Birthday approached I sensed sleep was near.  Within two weeks after his birthday we were all sleeping through the night.

I have now slept through the night for approximately 7 and 1/2  weeks.  New.  Person.  I.  am.

But can I tell you something?  I wouldn't trade those sleepless nights for anything.

God changed me.  My heart is willing.  I want to know my Jesus more than I ever have before.

Those nights saved me.  They saved me from a life of mediocrity.  They made me desperate, desperate to seek him and find him and respond to His love anywhere and anytime.

Now I look for moments, in laundry, dishes, walks to the park and everyday conversations when Holy meets ordinary and Heaven crashes in.  I am slowly learning the art of living.

Writing down has caused me to hold on to the details, the small things that make it decadent.  I'm thankful.

Thank you for reading my words this year.

The Bug's First Official Day of Preschool.  She loves her brother.

The Bug's Not-So-Normal, A Little Unusual, Very First Day of Preschool

The Bug woke up early Saturday morning.  "I'm going to school on Tuesday!"  she shouted with a grin.

The Bug had been excited for days about preschool and Tuesday was even closer today than it was yesterday.

"That's right," her mommy said. "And today, we get to go get a 'First Day of School Outfit!'"

The Bug jumped up and down.  She could hardly contain all the excitement.  She could even feel it on in her belly!  It was like 100 little butterflies took off in flight all at the same time.  She couldn't wait to set out on their shopping trip.

Mommy and Daddy, The Bug and the Little Man, her baby brother, loaded into the car and headed for the mall.  The Bug looked out the window and imagined what colors she would wear and the new friends she would make in their first day of school outfits.

The whole gang went to a few stores looking for the perfect outfit and finally found the one.  Purple was The Bug's favorite color that day so she and her mommy decided that a shirt and skirt with purple leggings would be the best.

As they headed home The Bug held her bag on her lap.  She was so proud of her first "First Day of School Outfit" and couldn't wait to put it on and head to school.  Thinking about it made those butterflies fly off again.

Monday morning came fast.  It was the day before school would start.  But that morning, instead of butterflies, The Bug felt something very different in her tummy.  It was not a good kind of different.  She hurried downstairs to tell her mommy that she did not feel good...at all.

The day went on and The Bug, Mommy and Daddy and even the Little Man hoped and prayed that she would feel better but nothing seemed to help.

That night Mommy told The Bug, "I think we are going to have to have our first day of school on Thursday instead of Tuesday.  But don't worry, sweetheart.  Mommy will make tomorrow a special day.  Just get some rest and try to feel better."

They did the "silly count," (this was a silly part of their bedtime routine,) they sang their song and they prayed for God to heal The Bug's tummy.  Then off to sleep she went.

The next morning was Tuesday, the day that should have been the first day of school.  The Bug woke and waited a moment before getting out of bed.  Her tummy was feeling better!  Maybe she could still put on her purple leggings and make it to school!   Her daddy brought her downstairs and she told her mommy that she felt better.  But Mommy and Daddy decided it was best that she wait a few more days just to make sure.

The Bug was so disappointed but Mommy reminded her that she had a special day planned for them.  The Bug ate a little breakfast, not much, since her tummy was all troubles the day before, but just enough to be ready for whatever Mommy had planned.

Mommy said, "Okay.  First thing is first.  Today you may not get to go your first day of preschool but that doesn't mean we can't have a first day of preschool right here!  Let's go upstairs and you can pick out your outfit.  You can wear anything you want!"

The Bug ran upstairs.  She loved picking out her own outfits.  After a few minutes of decision-making she decided on a light blue Cinderella shirt with a hot pink polka dot skirt, two different socks, her light up shoes, and two different bows to accent her pig tails.

Once she was dressed Mommy got out the camera to take The Bug's first "First Day of School" picture.  The Bug posed in her outfit ready for the fun to begin.

Mommy told her to gather some of her animals and dolls to be her friends in her class.  The Bug gathered as many as she could and set them on the couch.

"Alright," said Mommy.  "Let's start with some music!"  The Bug, Mommy and the Little Man begin to dance and sing to the music Mommy put on.  Some of the animals and doll friends joined in the fun with the help of Mommy and even Little Man.

After the singing Mommy said it was story time.  The Bug picked out a story about Jesus' first miracle.  The Bug didn't know what a miracle was.  Mommy told her and they read the story together.

After story time it was time to color.  Mommy asked The Bug, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

The Bug had been asked that question before and she knew the answer right away.

"A Doctor Mommy," she said proudly.

"Great!" said Mommy.  "Why don't you draw a picture of what that look's like and Mommy will make it look special when you are done."

The Bug went to work.  Using her crayons she drew her very best "Doctor Mommy."  Her Mommy typed some words out on the computer and put the drawing through her printer.

"There."  Mommy said.  "Now we can keep it forever!"

By this time Little Man was getting sleepy.  Mommy let the Bug color some more while she went to put him down for a nap.  The Bug decided to draw a picture of her little brother.  She loved him very much.

When Mommy was done.  They went downstairs to make a snack.  Mommy called it "Critters on a banana."

After snack time Mommy said they could do an art project with paint!  The Bug loved to paint almost as much as she loved to dance.

Before Mommy got out the paint she opened her Bible and read Psalm 139:14 to The Bug.

Mommy helped her begin to learn it as she set up the paint.

Together they made The Bug's hand prints and then Mommy told her that God made her wonderful just the way she is.  Mommy asked her if together they could think of 10 wonderful things about her, one for each finger God gave her.

The Bug loved the art project and when they were done Mommy let her paint some more.

Soon it was time to clean up and head downstairs.  Little Man woke up from his nap and mommy had one more thing for them to do.

When they got downstairs Mommy turned the music on real loud.

"Dance party!" she shouted.

The Bug was so excited.  She loved dance parties.  Together The Bug, Mommy and The Little Man danced and laughed and were super silly to the music.

When the dancing stopped The Bug looked at mommy and said, "I'm hungry."

Mommy was so excited to hear The Bug say that since she hadn't been hungry for a while.

"It looks like God is answering our prayers and you are getting better!  Should we go and drive through Chick-fil-a?!"

"Yeah!!" The Bug hollered.  Chick-fil-a was her favorite.

As they drove down the street The Bug looked out her window.

"Mommy," she said, "I love you."

"I love you too, Bug,"  Mommy answered.

Even though the morning didn't go the way either of them thought it would they both knew that they wouldn't want it any different.  After all, this meant The Bug got two, very first, "First" days of preschool.