In Need of Trees

I've wanted to write a number of times in the last two weeks.  However, I have been wiping noses, administering meds, and getting the house ready for Christmas.  I need all ten fingers to type and they have been very busy.  But, I'm not complaining.  Or, at least, I am really focusing on not complaining or letting my heart drift down that tempting road.

It's poison...and, I've learned this the hard way.

This is my daily challenge.  I wake up every morning with great intentions.  I want so badly to be a person who is thankful.  It is one of my deepest desires to be able to approach the tasks of the day with a heart of gratitude.  But everyday, well, almost everyday, I feel like I'm failing.

Often, it is when things get hard.

I sit in my big blue chair in the Little Man's room giving him a bottle or settling him down for a nap.  My mind wanders with to-do lists and want-to-do lists.  I am hopeful.  This time he is going to take his bottle and not fight me.  This time he is going to lay down for his nap and fall peacefully asleep.  Then, especially when I want it the most, those hopes resemble the likes of someone taking a baseball bat to a mirror...dashed...crashed...shards and fragments.

It is in these moments that I fail more than thrive.  I am so ashamed to admit it.  My sweet baby, whom 6 and a half months later I still can't quite figure out, doesn't understand why mommy is crying again.  My sweet toddler peaks through the door and whispers, "Let's be happy mommy!!!"


"Yes, let's be happy," is what I really want to say but instead all that comes out of my mouth is a harsh "Shhhhh..." and all that wells up in my heart are the reasons I can blame someone else for this mess of a moment.

My mind flies from loved one to loved one...it's all their faults.  I chuckle as I write it because it is so ridiculous, but, in the moment...in the mess...I have to find someone to blame.  Why do I think this will make it any better?  I don't know.

It seems that when I can't get things under control fear enters the picture.  As those scheming voices get louder I begin to believe the jagged thoughts that are racing through my mind and then my heart takes in more of that poison.

I complain, not necessarily out loud, but I do.  I take the posture of someone who thinks they are entitled.  It's really embarrassing actually.  If I were only to widen my focus and see the healthy, hearty boy in my arms and listen to the bright sweet voice on the other side of the door I might see the blessings.  I might find something to be thankful for.

Everyday I'm learning over again to stop placing my expectations in people, timetables and to-do lists.  This constant habit that has it's vice on on me ushers me into a "complaint fest".  When my expectations are not met my heart wells up with anxiety and I find myself taking the bait.  The words and thoughts sit on my heart and eventually sink in causing bitterness and self-pity...the antithesis of joy.

This is hard for me.  I'm a smiley person.  Joy is something that has always come easy.  I look at my two sweet children and feel the guilt well up because I am so blessed, so lucky to be their mama but for the life of me I can't muster up the joy.

This is when I know something must be done.  If I go on this way the poison that is overtaking me will begin to overflow onto the people around me, the little people especially.

So, I go to the Word.

It really is amazing.  I don't know how to actually describe it, but, every time, I experience healing.  I experience refreshing.  I experience conviction that leads to repentance that leads to a seed of gratitude, a seed that if watered grows exponentially.


"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,  but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."
Proverbs 13:12


I have had a few days living with a sick heart.  What I need is a good look at the trees of life, the desires fulfilled.  These are what restore me.  These oaks, these trees draw in the living water that replenishes and refreshes.

Joy wells up and the complaining voices fade.

In high school I realized I needed to wear glasses.  I borrowed my friends on the bus ride home one day.  I will never forget what the trees looked like...such beauty, such detail, such life.

Tonight I am remembering desires fulfilled.

The man I married...

The babies sleeping in their beds...

The life long friends...

the family who loves and cares...

the opportunities...

the promises kept...

the smiles...the belly laughs...the joy.

I know the struggle is not over.  Tomorrow holds new challenges.  So, tonight I'm praying.

Lord, help me.  Help me see.  Remind me to water these seeds you planted tonight.  May they grow into trees of life.  Strong ones with deep roots, not easily blown over by the winds of adversity.

Thank you for fulfilling so much of my heart's desire.