Holes in the Mirror

It's been a while since I sat down to write.  My hands have been full...full of babies, both big and small...well, smaller than the bigger one at least.  My hands have been full of dishes left over from home cooked meals.  My hands have been full from picking up coloring books, crayons, puzzle pieces, teething toys and such off the floor.  My hands have been full of things that even just a year ago I struggled to enjoy but now they are constant reminders of what a precious season I am living in...they are a reminder that I am only promised today and for today I am grateful.

Last year at this time I had just found out we would be expecting a new baby.  It was sooner than I had planned but as I have learned over and over again, my ways are not always HIS ways.  My Bug had just healed from a broken arm...she took a tumble down the stairs...more traumatic for me than her...and I was planning her Shirley Temple costume...with real tap shoes, of course.

I had just gone from working full-time to part-time.  This was a change that I knew needed to happen but was very difficult in so many ways.  For the previous 5 years I had the privilege of pastoring a junior high ministry.  It was a season filled with excitement, intense learning, exhaustion, deep joy, real tears, growing life long friendships and working like I had never worked before.  Many days before my transition to part time, and then to my resignation, I would find myself day-dreaming about days filled with babies, diapers and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  I was certainly plagued by "the grass is always greener" syndrome more than I would like to admit.

Since this time last year I have been what you might call, acclimating...to this new season.  Yes, I know it has been a whole year and in many ways that tells you how much I love change, (insert sarcastic tone), but this morning as I sit at my kitchen table with my cup of coffee and my two sweet babies, sitting together on the ground, each playing in their own way, I feel a peace that I have been searching for in the last 365 days. 

This is where I belong right now, today.  God's plan for my day holds many surprises but I do know that part of His plan is graciously, giving me the Holy opportunity to love my kids and teach them to love each other,  and to love God.  I have learned that this is best done by example.  And, even though that is best, it is the most difficult.  It demands more than I have...more patience...more energy...more wisdom.  It demands that I seek the Holy Spirit to walk me through my decisions, through my discipline, through each moment.  I'm not great at this.  I generally cry at least once a day and let the fleeting thought that I am ruining my children sit a little too long in my head.  But, there are those moments, when it's quiet, when I'm feeding the Little Man in my over-stuffed blue rocking chair, when The Bug is determined and focused to color every last square inch of her Tangled coloring sheet, that I find myself so happy.  Despite the fact that the world around me is moving as fast as I wish I could go, I'm happy that I have stopped.  I'm happy that I'm slow.  I'm happy that my world has gone from fast food meals to crockpot delicacies.

Last year at this time, I caught the bug doing something.  As I would get ready in my bathroom I would hear that wonderful but suspicious sound coming from my 17 month old...silence.  I sneaked up on her to find that she had taken a bobby pin and was poking holes in the backside of my mirror through the protective paper.  My first inclination was to stop her but instead I stopped myself.  I watched, without her knowing, as she strategically poked.  She was so precise and definite with each puncture.  I don't remember if it was that moment or later but I came to conclusion that I was just going to let her keep poking.

The Holes

As I thought about her and my sweet baby growing inside me I knew that what everyone told me was true.  It goes too fast.  Even though the days seem slow...it is over too fast.  I decided that the holes in the back of my mirror were going to be very important in the years to come.  Every time a new major milestone approaches in the lives of my children I am going to let those holes remind me to celebrate each day...day by day.  I am going to be thankful for the slow, crockpot, season I am living right now.  She won't poke holes in the mirror forever and that breaks my heart a little.

I hate to admit it but this is the first time in my life that I am not eagerly yearning for tomorrow.  I have always been excited for what's next...too excited that I know I missed much of the present.  I don't want to do that anymore.  It is so easy for humans to do that.  It is always in hindsight that we realize we should have or we could have.  I don't want to do that anymore.  I want to be content with today.  I want look backwards and think I did that well.  I lived my days...whether they were at home, still in my pajamas at noon with my babies on the floor, or dressed to nines for an outing with other adults...I want to say I lived them...real good.  I want to say I savored them when it was easy and when it was hard.

In action.

Oops!  Got caught!

I know that on her wedding day, if no one can find me, you should check behind my mirror.  I plan on laying there for a while looking at holes.  I plan on being thankful that I lived my days...day by day.  I plan on reaching up and feeling that paper and remembering my babies and remembering my toddlers and remembering my school age kids, and remembering my teenagers.  I plan on being a bit sad and definitely using waterproof mascara but I plan on being proud of myself.  I plan on being proud of myself for finally learning my lesson and stopping...stopping the urge to always want more, stopping the desire to fly off to whatever is next.  I plan on being proud of myself for soaking...soaking in the moments, writing them down, reading them over again and everyday asking the Holy Spirit to help me live in today.

These are definitely high aspirations for myself.  I know I will still struggle with it all...I'm quite human.  But, hopefully when I get it wrong I will see the holes and try again.
 


I encourage you to find the remarkable in today too.  We aren't promised tomorrow.

Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, “We have seen remarkable things today.”  --Luke 5:26


The Remarkable in my life today... 

Picture taken by Amanda Aday at April Smith Photography

Picture taken by Amanda Aday at April Smith Photography

Picture taken by Amanda Aday at April Smith Photography

Picture taken by Amanda Aday at April Smith Photography

Big enough to play in his saucer!