Tuesday, August 9, 2011

A lesson from Amy...

I am so tired!!!

I don't know the last time I have been this tired...I'm pretty sure that this tired beats out all other "tireds" I've experienced.

Little man is not, I repeat, "NOT,"sleeping!  He is waking up every hour with what I like to call "old man gas."  I hope to not offend any old men reading my blog, (by the way, I would find that interesting), however, it is the very best way to describe what is going on deep in the bowels of my 9 week old.

So, as I am standing in Little Man's room last night, rocking him in my arms, tears are falling down my face at a rapid rate.  I find myself pleading with God for sleep...pleading like it was a matter of life and death...really, in my mind, it is exactly that because after 5 days of this battle I do feel like "death."

As I am standing there these words flood my mind, "A mother's cry in the dead of night...better than a hallelujah sometimes..."  As a child born in the early 80's I grew up listening to Amy Grant.  In 5th grade I participated in the school talent show with some friends where we beautifully choreographed a phenomenal dance routine to "Every Heartbeat."  Since then Amy's music has been kind of like a beacon that brings back good memories of my childhood.  Recently, Amy released a new Christian Album.  One of the songs is called, "Better than a Hallelujah".  I love, love, love it.  Amy did it again in my humble and slightly biased opinion.  The song talks about how sometimes God likes to hear us in our most honest, most vulnerable places.

I don't know about you but this can be hard for me.  As a person who searches for the silver lining when the drive thru gets my order wrong it is hard for me to be honest in my moments of desperation or despair.  Sometimes, I believe that if I give into my desperate feelings I am lacking in faith.  You see, I am a "Hallelujah" kind of girl.  I will shout it for parking spots, (which believe it or not can be a controversial topic.)  The point is, I tend to operate in the optimist camp.  I like it there.  It's sunny and smiley.  The problem, though, is that if I let the desperate feelings have their way I feel uncomfortable, agitated, and unsettled...I feel vulnerable, like I don't have it all together and that is a hard thing for me to admit.

But last night, and the few nights before, lead me to a place of deep desperation.  It was a place where I felt like a 5 year old screaming for my mommy or daddy to help me because there is no humanly possible way I could handle the situation on my own.

 In the midst of this desperation that I am still feeling today since sleep did not happen again last night, I am relearning that sometimes a breaking down is exactly what we all need to draw nearer to God.  It's funny...I've been praying this for other people that I love, not for myself.  Yet, here I am...Tired, Broken and leaning solely on the Holy Spirit to get me through the rest of the day without someone having to call CPS on me.

I tell so many other people when they find themselves in these situations that God must be preparing them for the next season.  It's a little harder to to believe your own words.  But, this is where I find myself today.

In the silly matter of sleep I have been broken...desperately seeking my God to save me, to rescue me and give me relief and refuge.  And in the quiet hush of my house at 3am I hear God saying to me, it's time to cry out...tell me how you are feeling...tell me what you need...stop leaning on your own understanding...acknowledge my ways...I will make the paths straight...I am the strength in your weakness even right now...trust me...

Maybe you also find yourself in a desperate place today...for you it could be something far more serious than sleep deprivation and you are trying to manage your feelings, emotions, and needs but you too are on the brink of a breakdown that could win you the Academy Award...or at least a daytime Emmy.  If you find yourself in this place I encourage you to maybe listen to Amy's song or at least feel the freedom to cry out to God in the most honest and vulnerable way you can.  I believe you will be better for it afterward.



 Better Than A Hallelujah lyrics
Songwriters: Hart, Sarah; Hartford, Chapin;

God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

God loves the drunkard's cry
The soldier's plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

The tears of shame for what's been done
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes


Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out, singing out

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Click here to hear the song and see the video!

Liitle Man...sleeping!!! (during the day...but I will take what I can get!)

7 comments:

  1. I absolutely love that song!!! Miss you guys so much! Hugs and love to all of you.

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  2. Love that song. When it came out, it quickly became one of my favorites. Miss you! I hope things are going wonderfully and that you get some rest soon. I have been there... You have always been so amazing. I know you will get through this and of course, you will keep your beautiful smile on your face at the same time. xoxo

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  3. Man, you're good at putting words on this little ole blog, even when you are sleep deprived! Thanks for sharing, and for being so transparent, and for reminding us all of how great Amy Grant really is!

    I love you, and your little munchkins so much... even though they are not letting Mommy sleep as much as she needs to. You are a great Mom and a great friend!

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  4. Love you friend!!! Praying for SLEEP and no gas!!! Dear Jesus give my friend 8 hours of sleep with one feeding in between!!!
    This is Jamie

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  5. This takes me back like it was yesterday. I feel your pain. My son, Jordan, in his first few months had to eat every two hours from start to start. With rocking and soothing back to sleep in there that left me a net 40 minutes to sleep in between.

    I felt that desparation and certainly someone should have taken away my keys. I would sit at a stop sign and wait for it to change until someone honked behind me. My brain function was minimal.

    I really resented the question, "Does he sleep through the night?" The answer is "No! Please stop asking!"

    I had a friend who was going out for the Navy Seals at the time and part of the training is sleep deprevation. He said that by day 3 you are kneeling in the sand, letting the surf break on your face. The memory of this made me exclaim, "I'm not trying for the SEALS, I just had a baby! Help me!"

    For my birthday that year I asked for 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. At this request my husband got wide-eyed and tried to pass me off on something else, like jewelry. At this point I could not think of anything sweeter than a FULL night's sleep. I got it and was amazed at how much better I felt after. I recognized myself in the mirrior.

    The best solution as you muddle through this time is to seek out what my mom called "a fresh pair of arms". Arms that belong to a loving and trusted friend or family member who has had a solid night sleep. Let them take the baby for a while, so you can sleep. I know you have many willing pairs of arms, use them! Good night!

    Lara Tinker

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  6. Wonderful, thanks for sharing, I can't wait for the next!

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  7. Wow-you are an amazing writer my friend! Even though I know you're sleep deprived and exhausted from chasing the bug and the little man, can I just say how happy I am that you now have, and are taking the time, to write! Soon those little Schraders will be crusaders for Christ and the world will be a better place because you sacrificed your sleep and sanity :). So the next time you cry tears of sleeplessness and have to put up with old man gas (!), know that it's for perhaps the most noble and worthy cause because that little man and the bug will change the world if they're anything like you Mrs. Schrader! I love your blog and your beautifully succinct and poignant "About Me" description made my day. As I sit here in a small cafe in Juneau, Alaska, I'm thankful for you as my dear friend and I love you so much!

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