A lesson from Amy...

I am so tired!!!

I don't know the last time I have been this tired...I'm pretty sure that this tired beats out all other "tireds" I've experienced.

Little man is not, I repeat, "NOT,"sleeping!  He is waking up every hour with what I like to call "old man gas."  I hope to not offend any old men reading my blog, (by the way, I would find that interesting), however, it is the very best way to describe what is going on deep in the bowels of my 9 week old.

So, as I am standing in Little Man's room last night, rocking him in my arms, tears are falling down my face at a rapid rate.  I find myself pleading with God for sleep...pleading like it was a matter of life and death...really, in my mind, it is exactly that because after 5 days of this battle I do feel like "death."

As I am standing there these words flood my mind, "A mother's cry in the dead of night...better than a hallelujah sometimes..."  As a child born in the early 80's I grew up listening to Amy Grant.  In 5th grade I participated in the school talent show with some friends where we beautifully choreographed a phenomenal dance routine to "Every Heartbeat."  Since then Amy's music has been kind of like a beacon that brings back good memories of my childhood.  Recently, Amy released a new Christian Album.  One of the songs is called, "Better than a Hallelujah".  I love, love, love it.  Amy did it again in my humble and slightly biased opinion.  The song talks about how sometimes God likes to hear us in our most honest, most vulnerable places.

I don't know about you but this can be hard for me.  As a person who searches for the silver lining when the drive thru gets my order wrong it is hard for me to be honest in my moments of desperation or despair.  Sometimes, I believe that if I give into my desperate feelings I am lacking in faith.  You see, I am a "Hallelujah" kind of girl.  I will shout it for parking spots, (which believe it or not can be a controversial topic.)  The point is, I tend to operate in the optimist camp.  I like it there.  It's sunny and smiley.  The problem, though, is that if I let the desperate feelings have their way I feel uncomfortable, agitated, and unsettled...I feel vulnerable, like I don't have it all together and that is a hard thing for me to admit.

But last night, and the few nights before, lead me to a place of deep desperation.  It was a place where I felt like a 5 year old screaming for my mommy or daddy to help me because there is no humanly possible way I could handle the situation on my own.

 In the midst of this desperation that I am still feeling today since sleep did not happen again last night, I am relearning that sometimes a breaking down is exactly what we all need to draw nearer to God.  It's funny...I've been praying this for other people that I love, not for myself.  Yet, here I am...Tired, Broken and leaning solely on the Holy Spirit to get me through the rest of the day without someone having to call CPS on me.

I tell so many other people when they find themselves in these situations that God must be preparing them for the next season.  It's a little harder to to believe your own words.  But, this is where I find myself today.

In the silly matter of sleep I have been broken...desperately seeking my God to save me, to rescue me and give me relief and refuge.  And in the quiet hush of my house at 3am I hear God saying to me, it's time to cry out...tell me how you are feeling...tell me what you need...stop leaning on your own understanding...acknowledge my ways...I will make the paths straight...I am the strength in your weakness even right now...trust me...

Maybe you also find yourself in a desperate place today...for you it could be something far more serious than sleep deprivation and you are trying to manage your feelings, emotions, and needs but you too are on the brink of a breakdown that could win you the Academy Award...or at least a daytime Emmy.  If you find yourself in this place I encourage you to maybe listen to Amy's song or at least feel the freedom to cry out to God in the most honest and vulnerable way you can.  I believe you will be better for it afterward.



 Better Than A Hallelujah lyrics
Songwriters: Hart, Sarah; Hartford, Chapin;

God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

God loves the drunkard's cry
The soldier's plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

The tears of shame for what's been done
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes


Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out, singing out

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Click here to hear the song and see the video!

Liitle Man...sleeping!!! (during the day...but I will take what I can get!)