Everyday there are things I see or things I hear or things that spring up in my spirit that cause me to want to rest my fingers on the keyboard.
It hasn't happened.
I have let the little things absorbed me. They consume me.
My intentions are there. I desire to sit down and take the time to share what's on my heart, what is racing through my mind. But I find every excuse as to why this should not take priority in the moment.
Fear. This is what I've been battling.
The other night the wind was blowing. I was thankful that my house was made out stuff that could withstand it. The big bad wolf and two out of three of the little pigs came to mind. Sticks and straw. Those things looked like shelter but those piggies learned the hard way.
I had to drive out in the wind around 9:30pm. Fear enveloped me. Images of destruction flooded my mind.
The Words, "I will never leave you nor forsake you" seemed distant and untrue. Circumstances of my own and others I love took over. My heart was lead to deception. Deceived, I drove on, my heart racing, pounding. My stomach turned and knotted. Would I see my children again? Would I see my husband?
Pain. This is what I told God. Pain scares me. Not just the scraped knee kind of pain but the pain you feel when you lose someone, this pain seems unbearable.
Too many people live in this kind of pain daily. People I love have faced this pain recently. God, what if? How would I? How does anyone...heal?
Give Thanks.
Thanksgiving is not just for Turkeys. Thanksgiving is a way of life. Thanksgiving is digging deep, when you can't see it right away. It's looking at the big and the little. It's seeing the obvious and unassuming.
Today was a day where the knots came back. The feelings took over and to be honest I am still fighting them.
Sometimes I feel so lost in this perfect place. I have what I once dreamed about. I live in such a beautifully blessed mess...but the mess can take over. My trust depletes and the hope dissipates.
Such is the human condition.
I need to remember.
Remembering what God has done for me. Remembering His promise. Remembering His love for me and for those I love...His love even extends so much further than mine ever could.
I also remember that I am not promised tomorrow. I have been given today. I want to make it significant. I want it to count. I want my thoughts and my actions to affect the Kingdom of God. I want to be about more than myself. Only this way will the absorption I am fighting diminish. No longer will daily tasks and hiccups consume me. Circumstances will not change my focus.
Fear, you have no place here. Go.
"For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." --Philippians 1:21
