Finding Good

Overwhelmed.  That is the one word I can use to describe the last 13 days of my life.  The whole ordeal of September 14th has begun to take on shades of haze in my mind...for this I am thankful.

This experience has been much more difficult to "get over" than I thought it would be.  However, the one thing that has continued to occur is the overwhelming outpouring of love and support from family, friends, friends of friends and even strangers.  I have already seen a number of miracles derived from the situation.  This makes me smile.

To all of you who have sent me messages, said prayers, and asked me how I am doing...thank you.  I have been reminded through all of this of how good people can be.  Funny, huh?  You would think it would be the opposite.

I had a hard week last week.  Every morning was filled with tears.  In a matter of seconds this man stole more from me than my precious wedding ring. 

You see, I have always been someone who wants to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  It is not uncommon for me to say, "Something bad probably happened in his childhood!" when talking about a cantankerous fellow.  (I just really like to use the word cantankerous.)  Anyway, the point is that I really do want to find the potential for good in people.  But, when this young man did what he did, he stole this from me.

Ever since I had a gun pointed at me I see people differently.  I find myself suspicious, hyper-vigilant and even profiling those that pass me.  I hate it...really, I abhor it.  My stomach turns and I feel this combination of fear, guilt and anxiety.  I think it's giving me wrinkles...or that could just be motherhood.

What does this mean for me?  I'm not sure.  People keep asking how I am doing and I often respond with a smile and, "I'm doing really well!"  And truly, I'm trying to live there.  I really want to be well.  But, there is a piece of me that needs restoring. 

So, tonight, as my house sleeps and I am still awake, I am praying. 

I am praying for the "young man."  (That's what I call him.)  I am praying that one day he will know compassion.  He will know it because he is finally capable of feeling it for someone else and that someone might extend it to him. 

I am praying for me.  I am praying that this piece of me will be restored, renewed.  I am praying that I will have the courage to run errands with my kids again.  I am praying that I will see people the way God sees them...I would really like that.

I am also thankful. 

Thank you God for pouring your love on me through so many these last two weeks.  Thank you for using this experience to draw people closer to you.  Thank you for you faithfulness.

I re-read my last post today and decided to watch Pollyanna.  It's been a while since I've popped it in the DVD player.  I was folding laundry and had two sleeping babies...perfection.  At the end of the movie Pollyanna is paralyzed from a fall out of a tree.  She is supposed to go to Baltimore (Woot! Woot! The homeland!(I was born there.))  for an operation.  The doc is worried because she finds her glad-self in a deep depression...she can't find anything to be glad about.  Then the entire town comes to visit her with gifts and words of encouragement and love.  As the cheese meter goes through the roof my eyes fill with tears.

It reminded me of my last two weeks.  People loved me.  They brought me homemade bread and cookies.  They called.  They came over.  They brought me soy Frappuccinos from Starbucks.  The told jokes.  They told their own stories of invasion and injustice.  They prayed.  Some mornings I really did find a numbness creeping in and the gladness seeping out.  It was these acts of kindness, the conversations, the listening ears that helped to restore my smile.

For this I am thankful.  It fills me.  It reminds me of the potential for good.  One person almost shattered that completely for me but hundreds are reminding me of it daily.

As my house sleeps and I am awake, I am smiling, knowing that God's goodness is flowing from his creation and encouraging me.  I am smiling knowing that I am loved.


Thank you family, thank you friends, thank you friends of friend and thank you strangers...as the reverend in Pollyanna says, "We looked for the good in them, and we found it."