Forgiving Again

She found the nail polish while I was putting Little Man down for a nap.  She miraculously didn't get it on anything but herself.  I forgave her and then painted her nails for her:).

"Excuse me.  Could you spare a couple dollars for the bus?"

Through the window I shook my head.  Sympathetically, I rolled down my window a crack to speak words.

"I don't have any cash on me,"  I lied through a stutter.

He startled me.  I saw him walk behind my car as I was ordering my avocado chicken burrito and a quesadilla for the kids.  I saw him walk behind the giant menu.  I'm quite vigilant these days.

I rolled my window up right away after I ordered, after noticing him, hoping my crazy thoughts would not play out.  My heart was racing.  My mind was spinning out of control.

Ever since the gunpoint incident this happens a lot.

I imagine the worst.  In split seconds I see scenes of horror and destruction played out.  My adrenaline pumps and my fight or flight is ready to react.

Then he approached and simply asked.  He looked so defeated.

Immediately after I lied the guilt sank in.  Why?  Why did I lie?

As I sat waiting for my order, I quietly processed.

Then, the anger began to rise.  The young man.  I was reminded again that the young man with the gun who stole my wedding ring stole so much more from me.

I prayed.

What do I do now, Lord?

I confessed and decided that if I did see him again and it appeared safe I would roll my window down and apologize for speaking so rudely.

He was not there.

What do I do now, Lord?

"Write about it."

So, here I am, writing and wondering when I will ever be able to trust people again.  I don't mean that every time someone asks for money I should give it to them but when will I be able to seek sound discernment rather than be paralyzed by fear.


Forgiveness.

It always comes back to this.  I read something today in a book of blessings and it reminded me that forgiveness brings healing.  It also said,


"Your soul may justify your resentment for a the terrible thing.  You may even feel that you have a right to hold a grudge, or that the person does not deserve to be forgiven.  But God is very clear.  He commands you to forgive from the heart, and in forgiving from the heart, not just with your will, you will receive healing for your soul.  I bless you to forgive others to the point that you actually feel yourself cleansed of resentment and bitterness, allowing the cleansing and healing to flow to your soul until you can pray for them and bless them." -- Silvia Gunter, You Are Blessed In the Names of God

We have all been hurt by many people.  We have all done the hurting.  If we all do the forgiving we can all move toward healing.  It really is simple.  And, sometimes it really is hard.

I prayed for the young man again today.  I prayed for his life.  I prayed for his children.  (I don't know if he has any but I did anyway.)  I forgave him again.

That's the thing with forgiveness sometimes.  We can say we forgive.  We can even will ourselves to forgive but it's in those unpredictable moments that our hearts are tested when we know if it was for real.

I think today it was for me.  I know my adrenaline might betray me again but when a blessing replaces my anger that's when I will know I've truly been healed.