If I Die

They play together now.

“He hit me!!”

I’ve heard this too many times in the past few days.  I scoop him up and place him in the time out spot.  We don’t spank.  We have our own personal reasons why we don’t.  You may have strong opposing opinions.  I respect them.  But now that I’m 31 I don’t feel like I have to agree with you and we can still be lovely friends.  (Look at me, growing up!)

I tell the Little Man why he was in time out.  I say, “We do not hit.  Show me gentle.”  He leans in for a hug.  With tears sliding down his cheeks he rubs his face into my shirt.  My mama shoulder wipes the residual wetness from his face and eyes as he buries his head next to mine.  

It's always more fun when you turn the toys upside down.

I tell him to go and tell his sister he is sorry.  He walks up to her and in his baby voice with his baby words he says it.  She understands. 

“I forgive you.” 

And they play on. 

I sit and watch them and think to myself, “How do I do this better?  How do I teach and correct and guide?  How do I steer them away from my own pitfalls and shortcomings?”

I check my email on my phone, my habit for when I am overwhelmed with thoughts and want to disengage.  Then I see one of the blogs I love to read.

I look through the older email seeing if there is something else to read but I am drawn back to it, my soul just knowing that I need to read it, my spirit urging me on.

My eyes well up and I am so grateful her words.  They bring me peace and remind me of grace.

As I continue to fight this battle of what it looks like to live a life not perfect but being perfected I hang on to reminders that grace covers me…and them.

He is so active these days.  He keeps me moving...running I should say.

I wrote about Legacy not long ago.  So, now all of this has me thinking of what I want to leave behind.  Coincidentally, I had a dream last night that I was going to die and I told the Fly that there were 3 things I wanted him to make sure the kids knew and understood.

They are loved.

Be in authentic and faith-filled community.

Pray real prayers.

If I could add one more today, I would say,

And always, no matter what, Forgive.

She loves to hang.  On anything.  Even me. 

Only forgiveness frees us up and unlocks the chains that keep us from understanding and fully experiencing the others listed above.

I know that I will try hard and I will fail hard as I stumble and stride down the path of “leaving legacy.”  But, my hope is, when they are grown and they wash their own clothes and feed their own bellies they will continue to say, “I forgive you.”