Every Heartbeat

5th grade was a hard year.  I did not like school.  I clearly remember sobbing at the dinner table as I was trying to finish my "composition technique" homework.  I had to write three sentence paragraphs about Native Americans.  I had memorized The Song of Hiawatha in its entirety, no problem, but composing a topic sentence with two supporting sentences wrecked havoc on my 10-year-old brain.

Little did I know that writing would one day become a source of creativity, an outlet.  Little did I know that writing would reveal the mysteries and the miracles I so easily sped by before.

Getting the sentences on the paper would prove a struggle for much of my schooling, however, there was an avenue where my synapses fired and I thrived. 

Creative Arts.

The Bug's first Recital.

Whether I was dancing, acting, singing, gymnastic-cizing, (yes, I know, I made that word up,) ice skating, or creating with my hands, I put my whole heart into it.  I loved to create.  I love to create.

If you head back to my very first post, A Lesson From Amy, you will learn of my fond feelings for Amy Grant.  They were woven in at a young age.  And, once again, Amy inspires yet another story.

With big bangs, black, ribbed bicycle shorts and floral tops with a tie-front, chiffon overlay that flared at the bottom, all purchased at Mervyn's, four extremely talented 5th grade girls performed an interpretive rendition, if you will, of the 1991 hit single, Every Heartbeat, at the school talent show.  ( I heart run-on sentences.  Take that, composition techniques!)

It. Was. Epic.  Oh, how I wish I had the video to show you...or at least a picture.

"Every heartbeat bears your name
Loud and clear they stake my claim
My red blood runs true blue
And every heartbeat belongs to you." 

(It's okay to sing along if you know the words.)

Yes.  Just like I remember, "By the shores of Gitche Gumee, by the shinging Big-Sea waters..."  (Hiawatha, my friends!) and the tears at the dinner table, I remember the truly inspired choreography of the chorus.  With strong windmill arms, grape-vines, and bended knees the four of us told the "classic story of boy meets girl...moving the same direction." 

We told the story.  

Tonight, as I sit and wait for Christmas to come with a child's anticipation, I am remembering the stories.  Stories of my childhood.  Stories that I read.  Stories that I told.  Stories that I lived.

In the middle of all the remembering I found myself reading about Abraham.  The Bible gives him an incredible eulogy.  One I so desperately want to be true of me.

"Then Abraham breathed his last and died at a good old age, an old man and full of years; and he was gathered to his people." Genesis 25:8

It made me think about my kids, the stories I tell them and what I want them to remember.  It made me think about the stories I am living with the people in my life and what I want them to remember.  What do I want to leave behind?

Legacy.

This word has weighed on my mind.  I continue to come back to it. 

As life unfolds and these days become the next ones I remember I desperately want all the days to point to One.  The One who ordered them.  The One who redeemed them.  The One who breathed afresh on them.

If every heartbeat I was graced with could bear His name...what would that look like?  If I could point my kids to Jesus as we walk to the park or look at the Christmas lights, what would they remember?  Will they look back at their own 10-year-old tears and see how the sweat, the ache, the frustration, the failure, the perseverence and their need for help could lead to a beautiful revelation of His goodness and grace?

As Christmas comes in a few days and the new year sweeps in right behind, I am praying LEGACY.  I want to leave behind a grace-filled story.  A story that reminds the ones I love and even the ones I may not know that the God who came to be with us is for us. 

Amy was singing about a boy, and at 10, I was too.  But tonight, as I remember the cheesy 90's pop chorus  (sorry Amy!), I am reminded of a baby King who grew into a boy and then a man whose red blood ran even though it was Royal blue. 

This baby King came to save me and wrap His love around me so I could tell His story to a broken world and pray those that hear it will remember it and tell it again.

The Bug and her proud mama who curbed her inner "stage-mom," and never fixed the head-band.  Let's just say it was a proud night for both of us.

My Grown Up Christmas List

This is the email I received from my hero, my dad. 

So many prayers have been answered in the last month.  My reaction?  Wanting more.

Instead of recognizing answers and God's outstretched arm and His right hand moving in the dark spots and hopeless places, I sulked in self-pity.  I steeped in loneliness, letting myself be infused with doubt.  My eyes were closed and my ears were deaf.

But as I read, for a second time, "Your prayers are being answered," I confessed in my heart and humbly thanked God for hearing my cry...giving an ear to little ol' me.   I let my heart soak up the joy that He was so longing to fill me with.

Then I stared at the next sentence.

My daddy is the greatest gift giver.  His gifts are thoughtful.  His gifts are sought out.  They are wrapped with pretty bows and love pours out of them as you unwrap them.  It's not because of what it is but because his heart, his love, is obvious in the contents.  

Me and my Daddy...dancing as my sweet sister serenaded us.

For a few days I've struggled with the gift receiving and gift giving questions.  I have battled it all...guilt for wanting things for myself...guilt for not knowing which charity to give to...guilt for being overwhelmed with all the stuff I need to do to point my family toward Christ this Christmas...guilt about whether to buy or not to buy...you get it, guilty.

So, today in a quiet moment, stolen from the to-do list, I sat down with my anxious heart and wrote this:

What do I want for Christmas?

• I want my family to fall more in love with Jesus, desperately seeking Him for all they need.

• I want my kids to learn that people are not perfect but are only made perfect through the gift of grace that comes through knowing Jesus as their Savior.

• I want people, myself included, to humble themselves and learn the power of servant leadership in the community, their homes, their jobs, the Church.

•  I want to hear God's voice, feel His promptings everyday and I want to want to be obedient.

• I want to be with people.  I want to eat and laugh and love people. 

• I want to see my three bestest friends in one place at the same time.

• I want my marriage to continue to grow and flourish.  I want to love my Fly better.

• When I buy presents for people this year, I want to buy them things that are meaningful.  I want them to know how they are loved.

• I want to teach my kids the true meaning of Christmas.  I want them to enjoy receiving gifts without guilt but as they grow I want them to understand the yearning they have for more will never be satisfied in this world.  Only He fills us.  Our souls long for Him, even when we don't realize it.

• And, completely selfishly, not in the least deserving, I want my Disneyland pass renewed.  I love that place. It makes me happy.

 I'm not sure these things can be packaged...but if there's one guy who is creative enough to try...it's my dad.

His gift-giving gifting points me to my Heavenly Father's Gift Giving...so creative that the spoken Word became flesh and dwelled among us.  He knew exactly what we needed.  He knew it when we couldn't articulate it.  His gift wrapped in the delicate, velvet skin of a newborn.  Oh, to smell the newborn head of God...to place your cheek to His and breathe in.  Life.  Abundant life. Zoe life. Wrapped in clothes.  Lying in a manger.

Yes, the greatest gift has already been given.

May the gifts we give be ones that point people to Him.

Zoie Cheek to Zoe Cheek.

A New Thing

A New Season.  Once the seed has been under ground, covered, broken open, rooted and established a crop springs forth.  Then it's time for the Harvest.

Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:18-19


I am a closet clutter queen.  Literally, I stuff my closets with my clutter and hope and pray that no one sees it.  I give myself the title queen because...well, I can, and because it makes it sound a little less emabarrassing and shameful.

Embarassing and shameful.  Those are words that can cut deep.  But truly, this is what I feel when I look at or think about my clutter problem.

But those doors that had been shut up and had hid my clutter were flung open wide, thankfully not for the world to see, but for my eyes specifically.

Let me back up.  On October 10th I began a Daniel Fast.  This is a type of fasting a person does for health or spiritual reasons.  It is based on the scriptures in Daniel chapter 1.  You eat anything that came from a seed that has not been processed and drink water only.  My purposes for the fast were spiritual.  As I started out I had an idea in my mind of what my prayers would be directed toward.  That quickly changed.  I thought other's hearts needed to change.  Little did I  know my heart would be the most affected.

On the first night of my fast I had a heated conversation.  The person with whom I was speaking made mention of looking in a mirror.  These words stung and branded my heart but I believe they were a Holy Catalyst.  I held on to them, at first out of hurt, bitterness and anger, but then out of a desperate desire to see what others see.

"Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.  But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard , but doing it--he will be blessed in what he does." James 1:23-25

I starred at myself.  I starred good and hard and long.  First I saw the lines.  The tiny wrinkles reflecting  the experiences and the years.  I saw the things I try so hard, every day, to cover up.  I looked into my own eyes, the window of my soul, and I saw something ugly.

Pride.

Typing it is hard enough.  Pushing the "Post" button will be an act of humility but that's exactly what I need.

Gently, but without relief, the Lord pressed.  Pushing me through the fire that would purify and refresh me.  And He brought me to His Word.  I began to read it with new eyes.   Eyes that desperately longed to know the freedom His perfect law gives.

He showed me things.  My pride was seeded in my need to be perfect, to follow all the rules and do my very best to be good enough.  For others it can be the opposite, seeded in rebellion, making your own rules.

Pride is dangerous.  It is a weed that chokes out all that is good.  It suffocates and closes off the receptors to what God is doing.  Pride says, "I have it under control."  It couples itself with idolatry and we become our own gods.  After all, if I can be good enough, what do I need God for? 
I have learned:  I am not good enough, nor, will I ever be. 

And it's okay.

I am not justified by my closets.  I am not justified by being the best...wife, mom, person...The only one who can make me right, the only one who can make this desperate rule follower free is the one who actually did follow all the rules for me...He fulfilled them by following them all the way to the cross. 

I am not justified by my baking skills...thank you, Jesus!!!

As hard as it's been, as the tears have flowed daily, I have slowly felt my heart transform.  The anecdote?  Humility.  Yes, it's obvious, but the daily practices are subtle and easy to miss.

I have confessed, to God and to others.  Confession is so important.  Telling someone, out loud, brings it's own freedom. 

I have prayed.  I am a pray-er.   This is how God meets me and I meet Him.  I sit before Him and I listen and a speak and I listen and I speak. 

I devoured His Word.  I really did.  Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.  This has become so real to me.  I am so thankful for the revelation.

I have served.  I heard a sermon from our pastor last weekend.  He spoke of Jesus washing the feet of the disciples.  Jesus saw a need.  He got down and did what needed to be done.  So often, I let things go for others to do.  I am now seeing things that need to be done and asking the Lord to give me a servant's heart and do them...nothing magnificent, things like the laundry and the dishes.  The things I did before seeking recognition, a merit of "good enough," now doing the things that need to be done with a heart of gratitude for what's been done for me.

I am not claiming perfection.  It would be counter-productive at this point.  But I feel a new thing happening in my heart. 

Today I am thankful for that new thing.  I am thankful that my God continues to pursue me even when I work for my righteousness or when I give in and rebel.  I am thankful He is not done with me.  I am thankful that He is always doing a new thing.

On a day set aside to remember what we are thankful for, I am thankful for all the hard things...all the pain and all the suffering that has revealed my need for a Savior. 

Thank you, God, for taking my mess and making it beautiful.  Not because of anything I have done but because of all that You have done.

Happy Thanksgiving.  
May you see the new thing He wants to do in you.
And with a heart of gratitude, let Him do it.

The Fly and his NEW guitar.  New music in our home.

Birthday celebrations. New Year for new things.  Little Man got a NEW hair do too...growing up too fast.

Let Us Pray

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to speak to a group of women about prayer and praying for their families.

I informed them from the beginning that I am in no way an expert...just a practitioner.

It has been an incredible journey as God has taught me the importance and power of prayer.  I was blessed to be able to share it today.

I promised a list of resources.  Here are the ones I mentioned and a few more:

Books

The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson

Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets

Praying the Scriptures for Your Children by Jodie Berndt

The Beginner's Guide to Fasting byElmer L. Towns


Websites

www.aholyexperience.com by Ann Voskamp author of One Thousand Gifts
Click on the Free Gifts for you Tab for some great resources

www.jeniferjerigan.com  One of the table leaders, a good friend of mine, found a great resource on praying scripture for your family on this site.  There are other tools as well.



Prayer Tools

For the Family by Sylvia Gunter


The resources above are wonderful.  They answer questions.  They inspire. They can help give direction.  However, there is nothing more powerful, in my opinion, than praying God's Words.  Here are some scriptures that I personally suggest to pray over your loved ones:

Psalm 91
Ephesians 6:10-18
Colossians 1:9-13
Ephesians 1:15-23



This not a comprehensive list of all the resources I've ever used.  These are the ones that stand out in this season.  I would LOVE to hear about what you are reading...even if it doesn't have to do with prayer!

If you have a resource or a book suggestion please leave it in the comment section!

I leave you with this today and pray these words for every reader,

Psalm 20

May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
    may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
² May he send you help from the sanctuary
    and grant you support from Zion.
³ May he remember all your sacrifices
    and accept your burnt offerings.
⁴ May he give you the desire of your heart
    and make all your plans succeed.
⁵ May we shout for joy over your victory
    and lift up our banners in the name of our God.

May the Lord grant all your requests.

⁶ Now this I know:
    The Lord gives victory to his anointed.
He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary
    with the victorious power of his right hand.
⁷ Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
    but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
⁸ They are brought to their knees and fall,
    but we rise up and stand firm.
⁹ Lord, give victory to the king!
    Answer us when we call!

I Remember

It is with a heavy heart that America greets today. 

We remember.  We will never forget. 

We have said those words for 11 years now.

I was in my college apartment sleeping under my Urban Outfitters bedspread.  My phone rang.  The Fly asked me if I had seen the news.  I didn't have class until 11...of course, I hadn't seen the news.  Groggy from late nights, papers, friends, work, fun, college-life, I laid my head back down.

I couldn't fall back asleep.  I didn't understand the depravity that had occurred.  I had hardly understood the words coming out of the phone.  I got up and walked into the other room to turn on the TV.

Then I saw...over and over as they replayed what had happened.

Shock and disbelief.  Then the fear.  Where was my dad?  Flying from coast to coast and home on the weekends, this was his life. 

Relief rushed through me as I heard his voice.  He had been at LAX when it happened.  He was coming home.

He was coming home.

2,996 others did not go home that day.

Today we remember them.  With flags and banners, names read aloud, memories and stories told of those who suffered the consequences of another's evil plot.

As a nation we wonder.  We cry.  We form strong opinions.  We argue.  We plan.  We protect.  We do whatever we can to cope with the reality that evil and wickedness are very real.

We ask questions.  We blame God.  We defend God.

We don't want to admit it but we are still afraid.  We fear what might happen.  What's next?

These things well up in us today.  And, as we remember the past, we remember that our future is ahead of us.  Our near future holds some critical moments that will determine the direction of our country in the next 4 years.  Today our remembering not only brings the emotions of the past but it also causes the emotions surrounding the next 56 days.

This week's rhetoric will be charged with emotion of the whys and why-nots and how-to's and how-not-to's of our decision making.

So what do we do?

 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

2 Chronicles 7:14


It's been impressed on my heart to pray the Psalms for both presidential candidates, the American people, and the election itself.

Today was the 11th day I've done this.  I opened my Bible to Psalm 11.  I read this:

Vs 6 and 7,

Upon the wicked He will rain coals;
Fire and brimstone and a burning wind
Shall be the portion of their cup.
For the Lord is righteous.
He loves righteousness;
His countenance beholds the upright.

Fire and Brimstone have a bad rap, rightfully so.  But as I read this today I felt a unity with my fellow Americans, those that think the same and those that think differently.

Wherever our opinions place us in the war of politics, today we can come together and remember.  Remember that our God does not look at what happened 11 years ago and sit passively by.  He too hates wickedness and evil. His plan is for redemption.

As you remember today, I humbly ask you, set down your opinions, set down your agendas and if you are the praying type,  humble yourself before God.  Ask him to direct your prayers.  And pray. 

Pray for those that are still with us today, hurting from those evil actions of others. 

Pray for your fellow Americans; pray they experience peace today. 

Pray for President Obama and Vice-President Joe Biden.  Ask  God to give them wisdom and direction. 

Pray for Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney and Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan.  Ask God to give them wisdom and direction. 


A final note...

As I was researching a few facts for this post I came upon this headline...

Mitt Romney, Barack Obama campaigns avoid negative politics on 9/11 anniversary


Proud to be an American. 

God Bless America.

  

In the Morning

"Oh what a beautiful morning.  Oh what a beautiful day.  I  have a beautiful feeling, everything's going my way." -- Oklahoma!

Nothing like a little musical theater throw-back and good sunrise picture to inspire your day.

Fly took this picture of the sunrise this morning.  It was breath-taking. 

  

In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice;
    in the morning I lay my requests before you
    and wait expectantly.

Psalm 5:3

 Why?  Why is it so hard sometimes to open this?  Why does the extra long to do list suddenly appear in my mind as I reach to pick up the life-giving words?  Why does my phone end up right in front of me and robotically I tap the screen to lead me to time-wasting and minute-filling?  The news feed entertains me and even encourages me at times but it does not feed my soul.

I see the Fly carry his up the stairs and my eyes fall back upon my own.   I put the phone down with all the self-control I can muster.  It really is emabarrassing, the hold that little piece of technology has on me.

I open up the book that will curb my hunger and sustain me for the day.

Psalm 5.  I've been reading one a day.  Sitting in it and soaking it in as the words effervesce, issue forth bubbles, of Life.

I come upon these rich words:

Verse 7, "But as for me, I will come into Your house in the multitude of Your mercy;"

They strike a deep chord.

I read the New King James version...not because I think it's the best but because it sounds the most like Shakespeare.  Laugh, roll your eyes, or try it yourself.

The words in verse 7 hang on.  I feel my heart clinging to them.

The truth is I NEED a multitude of mercy.  It is the only way I can survive.

I want to be a good person, a good wife, a good mom.  Good.  Good.  Good.  I try so hard to be good.  And everyday, EVERYDAY, I fail myself and those I love.  And, the worst part of it all is that I beat myself for it.  I hang my head low and walk in the guilt and the shame more often than I stand in the grace and the multitude of mercy.

I cry.  Okay, so I cry often.  But this morning I cry because I know better.  I know the grace.  I know the mercy that my God offers me.  I know it is worse to not receive it.  I know it is in vain that I ignore His gentle nudges.

Forgive me.  Forgive me for being swept away in my self.  I carry the burden of "not-good-enough" because I constantly try to do it all...all by myself.  

It's kind of like idolatry.  Ouch.  But it is.  If I put all my faith in myself then what do I need Him for?

For His multitude of mercy.  I will never be good enough.  And, I'm so thankful I don't have to be.





If you have time to read more today follow this link to more inspiration...

One Year

Today is my "Blog-i-versary." 

Well, technically July 29th was my first entry but it doesn't really count.  I was just trying to see what it would all look like and make sure it was pretty.

It was a year ago today that I wrote, "A Lesson from Amy..." and poured my sleep deprived thoughts out through the keypad on to the computer screen.

It was a few days before when I sat down with a dear friend in her backyard.  Her daughters took the Bug swimming while Little Man slept in his seat and we chatted under an umbrella by the pool.

She told me she had been praying for me and that I should start writing.  It was confirmation.  I had been praying, and in the quiet, was feeling a supernatural urge to do something I never thought I was very good at.  And since I never fancied myself, "a writer," I figured that perhaps this really was the Holy Spirit urging me forward to do something that certainly intimidated me.

A few nights later, with this chorus in my head, I began to spill out the brokenness, that was more than just exhaustion from a baby who didn't sleep.  I had been tired for many years before my babies came.  I just didn't understand why.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

I find it amusing that I had already titled my blog, A Beautiful Mess, and those words happen to be right there in the middle of that chorus.  Providence maybe.

So there I was, tired.  And, little did I know that it was only the beginning. 

Day by day, week by week and month by month I became a little more sleep deprived, a little more broken, and a little more moldable.  My desperation brought me to a place of dependence.  I had a choice to depend on Him or depend on me.  And frankly, depending on me would soon raise flags for CPS. 

Then one night in February the flood gates broke open...the good kind of flood gates.  I began to see a purpose, I began to sense the magnificent, unmistakeable power of the Holy Spirit and I began to pray.  I began to believe again that God hears my prayers and is faithful to answer them.

The nights became a rendezvous with my Little Man and my Comforter, my Healer, my Protector, my Strength, my Shield, my Refuge.  There I sat in the Big Blue Chair guarded by the shadow of His Wings.  I cried out...but now, not just for myself, but for those that burdened my heart and the day time brought glimpses of those cries being heard.

The year came full circle.  As Little Man's 1st Birthday approached I sensed sleep was near.  Within two weeks after his birthday we were all sleeping through the night.

I have now slept through the night for approximately 7 and 1/2  weeks.  New.  Person.  I.  am.

But can I tell you something?  I wouldn't trade those sleepless nights for anything.

God changed me.  My heart is willing.  I want to know my Jesus more than I ever have before.

Those nights saved me.  They saved me from a life of mediocrity.  They made me desperate, desperate to seek him and find him and respond to His love anywhere and anytime.

Now I look for moments, in laundry, dishes, walks to the park and everyday conversations when Holy meets ordinary and Heaven crashes in.  I am slowly learning the art of living.

Writing down has caused me to hold on to the details, the small things that make it decadent.  I'm thankful.

Thank you for reading my words this year.

The Bug's First Official Day of Preschool.  She loves her brother.

The Bug's Not-So-Normal, A Little Unusual, Very First Day of Preschool

The Bug woke up early Saturday morning.  "I'm going to school on Tuesday!"  she shouted with a grin.

The Bug had been excited for days about preschool and Tuesday was even closer today than it was yesterday.

"That's right," her mommy said. "And today, we get to go get a 'First Day of School Outfit!'"

The Bug jumped up and down.  She could hardly contain all the excitement.  She could even feel it on in her belly!  It was like 100 little butterflies took off in flight all at the same time.  She couldn't wait to set out on their shopping trip.

Mommy and Daddy, The Bug and the Little Man, her baby brother, loaded into the car and headed for the mall.  The Bug looked out the window and imagined what colors she would wear and the new friends she would make in their first day of school outfits.

The whole gang went to a few stores looking for the perfect outfit and finally found the one.  Purple was The Bug's favorite color that day so she and her mommy decided that a shirt and skirt with purple leggings would be the best.

As they headed home The Bug held her bag on her lap.  She was so proud of her first "First Day of School Outfit" and couldn't wait to put it on and head to school.  Thinking about it made those butterflies fly off again.

Monday morning came fast.  It was the day before school would start.  But that morning, instead of butterflies, The Bug felt something very different in her tummy.  It was not a good kind of different.  She hurried downstairs to tell her mommy that she did not feel good...at all.

The day went on and The Bug, Mommy and Daddy and even the Little Man hoped and prayed that she would feel better but nothing seemed to help.

That night Mommy told The Bug, "I think we are going to have to have our first day of school on Thursday instead of Tuesday.  But don't worry, sweetheart.  Mommy will make tomorrow a special day.  Just get some rest and try to feel better."

They did the "silly count," (this was a silly part of their bedtime routine,) they sang their song and they prayed for God to heal The Bug's tummy.  Then off to sleep she went.

The next morning was Tuesday, the day that should have been the first day of school.  The Bug woke and waited a moment before getting out of bed.  Her tummy was feeling better!  Maybe she could still put on her purple leggings and make it to school!   Her daddy brought her downstairs and she told her mommy that she felt better.  But Mommy and Daddy decided it was best that she wait a few more days just to make sure.

The Bug was so disappointed but Mommy reminded her that she had a special day planned for them.  The Bug ate a little breakfast, not much, since her tummy was all troubles the day before, but just enough to be ready for whatever Mommy had planned.

Mommy said, "Okay.  First thing is first.  Today you may not get to go your first day of preschool but that doesn't mean we can't have a first day of preschool right here!  Let's go upstairs and you can pick out your outfit.  You can wear anything you want!"

The Bug ran upstairs.  She loved picking out her own outfits.  After a few minutes of decision-making she decided on a light blue Cinderella shirt with a hot pink polka dot skirt, two different socks, her light up shoes, and two different bows to accent her pig tails.

Once she was dressed Mommy got out the camera to take The Bug's first "First Day of School" picture.  The Bug posed in her outfit ready for the fun to begin.

Mommy told her to gather some of her animals and dolls to be her friends in her class.  The Bug gathered as many as she could and set them on the couch.

"Alright," said Mommy.  "Let's start with some music!"  The Bug, Mommy and the Little Man begin to dance and sing to the music Mommy put on.  Some of the animals and doll friends joined in the fun with the help of Mommy and even Little Man.

After the singing Mommy said it was story time.  The Bug picked out a story about Jesus' first miracle.  The Bug didn't know what a miracle was.  Mommy told her and they read the story together.

After story time it was time to color.  Mommy asked The Bug, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

The Bug had been asked that question before and she knew the answer right away.

"A Doctor Mommy," she said proudly.

"Great!" said Mommy.  "Why don't you draw a picture of what that look's like and Mommy will make it look special when you are done."

The Bug went to work.  Using her crayons she drew her very best "Doctor Mommy."  Her Mommy typed some words out on the computer and put the drawing through her printer.

"There."  Mommy said.  "Now we can keep it forever!"

By this time Little Man was getting sleepy.  Mommy let the Bug color some more while she went to put him down for a nap.  The Bug decided to draw a picture of her little brother.  She loved him very much.

When Mommy was done.  They went downstairs to make a snack.  Mommy called it "Critters on a banana."

After snack time Mommy said they could do an art project with paint!  The Bug loved to paint almost as much as she loved to dance.

Before Mommy got out the paint she opened her Bible and read Psalm 139:14 to The Bug.

Mommy helped her begin to learn it as she set up the paint.

Together they made The Bug's hand prints and then Mommy told her that God made her wonderful just the way she is.  Mommy asked her if together they could think of 10 wonderful things about her, one for each finger God gave her.

The Bug loved the art project and when they were done Mommy let her paint some more.

Soon it was time to clean up and head downstairs.  Little Man woke up from his nap and mommy had one more thing for them to do.

When they got downstairs Mommy turned the music on real loud.

"Dance party!" she shouted.

The Bug was so excited.  She loved dance parties.  Together The Bug, Mommy and The Little Man danced and laughed and were super silly to the music.

When the dancing stopped The Bug looked at mommy and said, "I'm hungry."

Mommy was so excited to hear The Bug say that since she hadn't been hungry for a while.

"It looks like God is answering our prayers and you are getting better!  Should we go and drive through Chick-fil-a?!"

"Yeah!!" The Bug hollered.  Chick-fil-a was her favorite.

As they drove down the street The Bug looked out her window.

"Mommy," she said, "I love you."

"I love you too, Bug,"  Mommy answered.

Even though the morning didn't go the way either of them thought it would they both knew that they wouldn't want it any different.  After all, this meant The Bug got two, very first, "First" days of preschool.

Forgiving Again

She found the nail polish while I was putting Little Man down for a nap.  She miraculously didn't get it on anything but herself.  I forgave her and then painted her nails for her:).

"Excuse me.  Could you spare a couple dollars for the bus?"

Through the window I shook my head.  Sympathetically, I rolled down my window a crack to speak words.

"I don't have any cash on me,"  I lied through a stutter.

He startled me.  I saw him walk behind my car as I was ordering my avocado chicken burrito and a quesadilla for the kids.  I saw him walk behind the giant menu.  I'm quite vigilant these days.

I rolled my window up right away after I ordered, after noticing him, hoping my crazy thoughts would not play out.  My heart was racing.  My mind was spinning out of control.

Ever since the gunpoint incident this happens a lot.

I imagine the worst.  In split seconds I see scenes of horror and destruction played out.  My adrenaline pumps and my fight or flight is ready to react.

Then he approached and simply asked.  He looked so defeated.

Immediately after I lied the guilt sank in.  Why?  Why did I lie?

As I sat waiting for my order, I quietly processed.

Then, the anger began to rise.  The young man.  I was reminded again that the young man with the gun who stole my wedding ring stole so much more from me.

I prayed.

What do I do now, Lord?

I confessed and decided that if I did see him again and it appeared safe I would roll my window down and apologize for speaking so rudely.

He was not there.

What do I do now, Lord?

"Write about it."

So, here I am, writing and wondering when I will ever be able to trust people again.  I don't mean that every time someone asks for money I should give it to them but when will I be able to seek sound discernment rather than be paralyzed by fear.


Forgiveness.

It always comes back to this.  I read something today in a book of blessings and it reminded me that forgiveness brings healing.  It also said,


"Your soul may justify your resentment for a the terrible thing.  You may even feel that you have a right to hold a grudge, or that the person does not deserve to be forgiven.  But God is very clear.  He commands you to forgive from the heart, and in forgiving from the heart, not just with your will, you will receive healing for your soul.  I bless you to forgive others to the point that you actually feel yourself cleansed of resentment and bitterness, allowing the cleansing and healing to flow to your soul until you can pray for them and bless them." -- Silvia Gunter, You Are Blessed In the Names of God

We have all been hurt by many people.  We have all done the hurting.  If we all do the forgiving we can all move toward healing.  It really is simple.  And, sometimes it really is hard.

I prayed for the young man again today.  I prayed for his life.  I prayed for his children.  (I don't know if he has any but I did anyway.)  I forgave him again.

That's the thing with forgiveness sometimes.  We can say we forgive.  We can even will ourselves to forgive but it's in those unpredictable moments that our hearts are tested when we know if it was for real.

I think today it was for me.  I know my adrenaline might betray me again but when a blessing replaces my anger that's when I will know I've truly been healed.

Celebrate Good Times

The last two months have been blissful in a sense.  My babies are another year older.  Mommy and Daddy were celebrated on their own respective days.  Good friends, best friends, in from out of town, have sat at my table again.

As I type these sentences I can't help but think of people I love who have not had a blissful two months.  Death, loss, and desperate want are looming over them and new normals are being sought out.  As I reflect on my happiness I can't help but feel a prick in my heart for each of them.  I'm a feeler and the burden weighs heavy.

Though it may sound insensitive, these people and each of their plights, cause me to want to celebrate more.  The truth is that celebrating can be healing.

Food.

Presents.

More Food.  These are good things.

But it is the people, the friends, the family.  It is the people who usher in the healing.

Being an extrovert I thrive on gatherings...the larger the better in my book.  Regardless, though, if you are extroverted or introverted we were created to need people.  We were created to pour in and to drink from the relationships bestowed on us.

The last two months have been a fountain of life bubbling over in regard to "my people".

The Bug's 3rd birthday.

It was a Strawberry Shortcake Party

My little Shortcake.

Opening presents.

Good friends.  Just wait 'til they really drive.

The Bug and her favorite person.  She calls him her "Daddy Buddy."  (I'm not jealous...it thrills me that daddy is her favorite:))

Happy Birthday Big Sister!

Mother's Day.

First camping trip with the cousins.  Eating watermelon without a care.  Memories.

"Auntie Carica" or Auntie Erica teaching the girls how to take a jumping picture.

She is an awesome mommy and an awesome auntie.  Love her.

Little Man's 1st Birthday.

It's root beer.  It's funny.

We had a Mustache Bash.

He did not enjoy the cupcake:).

Little Man with a 'stache.

Stick the mustache on your parent.

Good friends.

Friends eating cake.  Such fun.

My beautiful sister, Auntie Lyndsey, and her boyfriend, Mr. Miles.  They are wrapped around the babies' fingers.

Auntie Robynn and Baby Penelopi.  One of my "bestest" friends and her beautiful girl...Little Man's "betrothed."

Monique and her girls and nephew.  One of those steadfast friendships.  We've done life together for a while.  Appreciate her.

Justin and Christy.  Good friends and always a good time.

The Other Schrader's minus the oldest daughter...she must have been busy helping.  So thankful for each of them.

Nana and Rick.  They love our babies and bring out the giggles every time.

That's my mommy holding my baby.  She is the best mama...the type that still runs right to me when I'm crying and brings me Lipton's Chicken Noodle Soup when I'm sick.  Oh, how I love her.

The Bug...so silly.

The family.  Tears.  So thankful.

Father's Day.

Peanut Butter Cup s'mores...excellent.  Panning for gold...so fun.  Shooting bb guns with a One Year Old...only my Fly.

Precious daddy time.

Mr. Ron and Little Man.  Mr. Ron held Little Man all evening...and fed him A LOT of chicken:).

Mr. Ron and Miss Viv.  The Fly's business partner and dear friends.  Grateful for them in our lives.

Mr. Christian and his big girl.  Neighbors and great friends.

Little Man's Big Buddy...they are gonna get into some trouble soon.

These two are already trouble.

The people you see in these photos and many others who couldn't join us in person or may have been a little camera shy:), are the reason I can celebrate and they are reason I can mourn.  They are the reason I can laugh and they are the reason I can cry.

I do life with these people.

Many of them know of my shortcomings.  Many of them know of my fears.  Many of them know of my bad habits.  A few of them know the things I don't want anyone to ever know.  Yet...they love me.

When I say love, I don't mean they just say it, I mean they show me...in so many ways.  The best part is that they don't only love me they love the people I love the most.

If I could bottle this moment up and keep it forever, I just might. 

We need people.  We need each other to not just get through life but to celebrate life even when it's hard to find something to celebrate.

Who are your people?  I found mine as I found Jesus.  Really.  I did.

If you are reading this today, I pray for you, "Lord, as they are seeking whatever it is they are seeking would they find you first, then would you give them people...the kind of people that love like you do."

If you do have "people,"  thank God for them today.  Sometimes it's through our earthly relationships that we get the greatest glimpse of heaven.

I was searching for a verse to close out this post and I couldn't help but use Romans 16.

These are Paul's "people."  Just as the book of Hebrews has it's own walk of fame of the heroes of faith, I couldn't help but see this list as a walk of fame for the friendship...good friends who do life with you.


Romans 16: 1-16

I commend to you our sister Phoebe, a deacon of the church in Cenchreae.² I ask you to receive her in the Lord in a way worthy of his people and to give her any help she may need from you, for she has been the benefactor of many people, including me.

³ Greet Priscilla and Aquila, my co-workers in Christ Jesus. ⁴ They risked their lives for me. Not only I but all the churches of the Gentiles are grateful to them.

⁵ Greet also the church that meets at their house.

Greet my dear friend Epenetus, who was the first convert to Christ in the province of Asia.

⁶ Greet Mary, who worked very hard for you.

⁷ Greet Andronicus and Junia, my fellow Jews who have been in prison with me.  They are outstanding among the apostles, and they were in Christ before I was.

⁸ Greet Ampliatus, my dear friend in the Lord.

⁹ Greet Urbanus, our co-worker in Christ, and my dear friend Stachys.

¹⁰ Greet Apelles, whose fidelity to Christ has stood the test.

Greet those who belong to the household of Aristobulus.

¹¹ Greet Herodion, my fellow Jew.

Greet those in the household of Narcissus who are in the Lord.

¹² Greet Tryphena and Tryphosa, those women who work hard in the Lord.

Greet my dear friend Persis, another woman who has worked very hard in the Lord.

¹³ Greet Rufus, chosen in the Lord, and his mother, who has been a mother to me, too.

¹⁴ Greet Asyncritus, Phlegon, Hermes, Patrobas, Hermas and the other brothers and sisters with them.

¹⁵ Greet Philologus, Julia, Nereus and his sister, and Olympas and all the Lord’s people who are with them.

¹⁶ Greet one another with a holy kiss.

Holy Kisses for my people today.  I love you dearly and can't imagine life without you. 

More of my people that were not pictured above and some who were:

*Warning...there are many pictures to follow...I won't be offended if you stop reading here...I just couldn't stop!*

This is my friend Sue.  She has prayed for me and my babies.  She made each of them special blankets that I treasure. 

This was almost 8 years ago.  Amanda is someone who God used to change my life.  She also captures beautiful moments in her pictures.  I spent a season meeting with Jessi as we talked about life.  I love her and am so thankful for her friendship.  Her family has also loved on my greatly.  I had the privilege of watching Heidi grow and get married and have a baby.  She is so dear to my heart.  Her family has been a family to me.

This man baptized me and married me and the Fly.  He and his wife loved on me as I began to figure out my faith.  They were Fly's "people" before they were my "people."  They welcomed me into their "family."  Forever grateful.

These ladies prayed for me.  There will never be enough words to say how thankful I am for them and that season.  They taught me the power in prayer and that has changed my life.

This man changed my life.  He asked me to do something I never thought I could do.  He taught me to take risks, to be bold and that God is good.  I am a better person for having the privilege of knowing and working for him.

These neighbors and the ones not pictured are an answer to prayer.  My family has community, "people," right outside our front door.  Blessed.

This is my best friend, Jamie and her daddy.  Jamie has been my best friend since we were 8.  She is strong.  She is kind.  She has wisdom beyond her years.  She can say things to me that I won't hear from anyone else.  Her daddy was like another daddy to me.  He passed away April 16th after fighting cancer.  Don't be sad for him, he is with Jesus.  We are sad, though.  Sometimes we don't understand why things happen the way they do.  What we do understand is that God is still good.  Jamie is living this out day by day and teaching me through her steadfast faith.

Lana is one of those people you can just sit right down with and pick up where you left off even if you haven't seen her in years.  She is creative and lovely.  Tammy is another of my best friends.  She laughs at everything I say.  Sometimes this leads me to thinking I'm funnier that I really am but I still appreciate her chuckles every time.  Shelley was actually my youth pastor in high school.   She looks like she must have been a 10 year old youth pastor:).  That's because she is youthful and fun.  She is an incredible mother and wife.  So thankful for these ladies.

This is Auntie Erin and Uncle Nick, The Fly's older sister and husband.  They live far away and we miss them, a lot.  They have huge hearts and I love them.

This is my Poppy.  He just passed away in March.  We celebrated his life on what would have been his birthday.  He was a good man.  He is now playing bluegrass music in heaven and laughing.

This is my mom-mom...my mom's mom.  She is a strong and wonderful woman.  She loves her family.

This is Lauren.  I've watched her grown into an amazing young woman who is doing great things for the Kingdom of God.  She also represents so many students that I love.  They changed me for the better.  Thank you.

These are my siblings. Sistair and Brothair.  I love them.  As the oldest I mother them too much but it's only because I want the best for them.  They are beautiful people and they make me laugh.

Sistair, Lyndsey, with my kids.  I can't even tell you all the things I love about her. But here are a few: She is hilarious.  She is loyal.  She is honest.  She is beautiful.

This is my daddy.  He avoided the camera at the birthday parties so I had to throw this pic in.  It captures him.  He is so generous and so fun and loves me and my family so much.  He is proud of me and I am so thankful he tells me so.

Great Nana and Papa.  The Fly's grandparents.  They love us and pray for us. 

The one and only Jessica Bernard.  She was one of my college roommates and is a dear friend.  She is extremely beautiful and extremely talented.  She loves people well.  She also channels Mary Poppins.

This was my "birthing hat" for The Bug...no, I did not actually wear it...although, now, I wish I had.  Lovely ladies already mentioned, Tammy, Lyndsey, Jessica but let me tell you about Robynn, bottom right, a heart that loves people no matter what.  She bends over backwards for strangers.  And "pretty" Shannon, middle top, best friend at St. Lucy's.  I've always admired her and am so thankful for her in my life.  Though there are seasons we go without getting time to chat we just pick right up where we left off.  These women make me belly laugh.  I love them.

Reigh Lea is Monique's twin sister (She was mentioned in the birthday party sequence.)  Another beautiful person I have had the privilege of doing life with.  She always seems to call or text at the right time and has a heart to help people.  Thankful to call her and her sister friends.  Thankful to learn from them and raise babies together.

JD and Jaci.  This is their wedding and The Bug's first big night out.  JD is the Fly's best friend.  They've been there for each other through much.  Although we don't get to see them everyday any more we are so thankful for them.

This is Scott.  He is holding The Bug.  He loves babies and will be an awesome daddy one day.  He is a youth pastor.  He loves God and he loves kids.  I admire his passion and his vulnerability.  He lets God use him.  Read his blog: http://thechristiannerd.com/

This is Meredith.  I love this picture because it captures her.  She is fun.  And she is so much more.  She is intelligent and she is compassionate.  She cares about the forgotten.  She is strong and she is beautiful.  She loves God with a depth that comes from knowing his presence in her highest highs and her lowest lows.  Her hubby is wonderful too!  Read her blog: http://meredithannemiller.com/

I love this family.  The eldest daughter and her husband are in the next picture.  I want teach my kids to love God the way Wendy and Chris have taught their girls.  I want to pray for my kids the way Wendy prays for hers.  This pic also represents all those parents I worked with at Hillside.  You are my people and I will be forever grateful for your influence and your friendship.

Beau and Ariona holding "The Little Man."  They were both students on the worship team when Fly and I ran the high school worship.  They have a desire to use their lives to advance the Kingdom of God.  I love them and pray for them.  And, I can't fail to mention that they both have amazing hair.  Can't wait to see what their kids look like!

And this is "Home Team."  In September of 2011 we got together as a group of people who were going to have dinner once a month in each others homes.  Since then we have become a family.  In our short time together we have laughed A LOT and shared heartache and struggles.  Amber, Aaron, Me, The Fly, Harmony, Ryan, Christy, Justin.  I can't imagine life without them.

These are my beautiful nieces with the Bug.  The little one, Love Bug, is strong.  She is going to change the world.  The bigger one, The Zu Zu Bee, she is compassionate, she is going to care for the hurting.  Beautiful girls with so much potential to be love to others.  Their mommy and daddy are pictured above.  Uncle Mikey and Auntie "Carica."  They love our kids like their own.  So thankful to call them family and raise our kids together. 

Keely.  She was my voice teacher.  I found her when I was 17 years old...oh, how I wish it was when I was 7!  She helped me find my voice.  She led me to my love of musical theater.  She told me I could sing and she inspired me.  I miss our weekly lessons and therapy sessions:). 

Harmony.  My partner in crime.  The hardest part of resigning from my position at the church was knowing I would not see her shining face every day.  We have grown and learned so much together.  She loves God and sings about it.  She ushers in His presence in one soulful note.  I admire her so much that often I find myself confessing my envy.  God has done great things in her and through her.  I love getting our hands dirty together.

These people are so significant in our story.  Ron and Viv and their kids have been in our lives more recently.  The Fly and Ron are business partners as I mentioned above.  Their family has become like family.  The Moore's brought me to their church when I was little where I learned about Jesus and how much he loved me.  Little did we ever know that one day I would be pastoring their youngest daughter.  What a tapestry my story is...threads from my childhood weaving into the present.

Erin and Nick are pictured above but here they are holding my newest niece, Madeline.  I've only been able to hold her a few times but my arms ache to hold her again.  I love her.

This pic was taken at the luncheon after Poppy's funeral.  These are my cousins.  This pic represents family.  Both my mom and dad's sides.  All of my family leaves on the East coast.  We don't talk often but I miss them all every day.  Really.  I'm thankful my kids get to see their aunts and uncles and cousins often.  And although I don't get to see them as much as I like I hold on to bbq's, bluegrass music, volleyball games, hiding under the stairs, sparklers, 4th of July, crabs, swimming pools and so many memories.  I love each of them and those that reared them. 

This is a pic from the time I was a volunteer small group leader.  These people represent friends and students that were my community as I began the journey of knowing that God had a plan for my life. 

St. Lucy's.  Theater people.  High School.  What a formative time.  The last thing I wanted going into my Freshman year was to go to an all girl school.  The day I graduated I was so thankful that I went to this all girl school.  I love my St. Lucy family and am thankful for the moments back then and when I run into an old class mate.  It's like we just passed each other on the stairs.

My best friends.  I don't know where to start with these girls.  Not many people experience a friendship like this one.  Tammy, the encourager, Jamie, the wise and steadfast, Robynn, the servant.  I can say without cliche that we will really be friends forever.  Thankful for friendships that reach into eternity.

Now, last, but the most important.  Those above are my "people."  This is my "person."  Fly is strong.  He loves through his actions.  He is generous.  He is funny.  He knows my best and my worst and loves me for both.  He teaches me.  He loves our kids.  He's not afraid of much and lives his days well.  God has done great things through him and so much more is yet to come.  "All I wanna do is grow old with you." 

As I look through this exhaustive post all I can do is celebrate.  In every season there are "people."  In and out they come and go.  Some stay longer than others.  Each play a role.  I want to drink in all that each person has to offer.  At the same time I want to pour into them and return the blessing.

Feeling overwhelmed with love.  Thank you, God, for people.